One of the questions I’m regularly being asked by women, is why men seem to go cold at the very mention of the “C” word.
Now speaking as a once “independent” man, who used to make my own decisions and live my life according to my rules, I can sympathise with any man who quakes at the thought of “tying the knot,” especially if he’s not yet ready to make the necessary adjustments to his behaviour. It is, however, like diving into a swimming pool, after the initial shock, it’s good to be in, as long you’ve chosen the right pool.
As a concept “commitment” is somewhat daunting and being synonymous with obligation, liability and responsibility does nothing to assuage a man’s incertitude.
The very fact that the question of commitment is generally asked by women, and rarely by men, illustrates it’s perceived unimportance in the mind’s of men.
I need to emphasise at this point, that there is a distinction between being afraid of commitment and not being ready for it.
Most men fear losing their independence and this ranks highly in their reasoning for refusal to commit. There is also the issue of compatibility. A man may purely want to continue dating a woman without any designs on a long-term relationship.
Men naturally crave sexual variety, so commitment suggests a willingness to close the door on any new pursuits. Sexual boredom and general disinterest could then follow; stopping a relationship dead in its tracks.
Another deterrent for the single man is the apparent requirement for a married man to obtain a “pass” to go out with the guys. This can only be achieved by the execution of extensive DIY prior to the aforementioned request.
And yes it is true, once a woman is in the equation, all the choices a man simply used to take for granted, such as going out for a beer with his pals, buying a huge plasma TV, screen and watching the “Big Fight” has to be cleared by “Mission Control.”
So why do we accept this invasive “feminisation” of our lives?
We do it because it feels good. It adds the Yin to our Yang; it brings a sense of equilibrium to our lives.
It is therefore ill-advised to focus on the definition of “commitment”, but more on the personalisation of the relationship. This whole discussion needs to be expressed in a way that makes “sense” to a man. So rather than letting him dwell on what he’ll have to give up, he must focus on what he’ll gain and moreover, what he’ll be losing if he doesn’t snap up the opportunity of matrimony.
It is all about timing and more importantly, selection. A man will generally take more time than a woman to be sure about a commitment and both partners need to think long and hard about whether it’s the right decision to make.
I for one needed some intensive encouragement to take the plunge and maybe that was a clue that my days of independent decision-making were drawing to an end!
Incidentally, at the time of writing this, it’s Saturday evening and as I didn’t get a “pass,” we’ll be watching a chick-flick… but, on my 46-inch plasma.
Life’s Good!
More from Beresford LeRoy Davis can be found at
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